Should I or should I not have a glass of red wine?

By wisequack at December 2, 2012 | 1:25 pm | Print

Should I or should I not have a glass of red wine?

As medicine continues to emphasize the importance of predicting and preventing premature morbidity and mortality from the big three of cancer, heart attacks and stroke the health-aware folks have learned to change their lives accordingly because who wants to die of a stroke or worse yet who wants to survive a stroke and end up having someone else take care of you in ways that you wouldn’t wish upon your worse enemy, a word, I note, that’s just a little too close for comfort to the word enema, that nasty yet necessary elixir required on occasion to move bowels that have just have given up on their raison d’etre due to that darned stroke and by that I mean cerebrovascular stroke and not just a stroke of bad luck though Lord knows I have had enough bad luck to last a month of Sundays and yet you’re not reading this to know about my bad luck and my currently excellent bowels but you are interested in how we can prevent getting these big three, especially cancer because cancer is more than just an astrological sign not that I believe in that stuff being a Leo and all, as us Leos are a little more skeptical of stuff like that meaning I really do live up to my astrological sign of which if I admitted it I am really quite proud because a lion is so much cooler than say a crab or a sea-goat or even a virgin, which doesn’t really seem to fit in the list of astrological signs as I highly doubt that when the folks who name these sort of things came up with virgin they were referring to Richard Branson and his Virgin records which is kind of a neat name because I think he actually set some records flying around the world in a tricycle with virgins or something insane like that, something that if I ever did I would be driven to drink and I’m not talking Dr Pepper here but rather alcohol, which has gotten some pretty bad press lately in the world of cancer as research has now shown that even one drink a day and once again when I say drink I don’t mean Mr Pibb but rather a drink like those ones with little umbrellas in them or those ones that come in long necked bottles or short stubbies (which co-incidentally is the nickname of my colleague Dr Sealey) raises the risk for breast, liver and rectal cancer by 13% in women and that is such a huge number that were I using exclamation points I would use one right here as this is groundbreaking information because while the association between moderate alcohol consumption and breast cancer has been well known for years what has not been previously well known was that even a single drink a day and when I say drink I don’t mean a cherry cola, not that they are that good for you either what with all the stuff that is in colas that’s so unhealthy so don’t be fooled by the cunning tactic of putting a healthy fruit like a cherry in front of a cola to fool you into thinking that this is like a healthy drink because it really isn’t but at least it doesn’t cause breast, liver and rectal cancer like a single drink of alcohol a day does as has been shown in a huge study known as the Million Women Study which examined 1.2 million middle aged women in Britain making you wonder why they didn’t call it the 1.2 Million Women Study though at least they kept the women part of the study name accurate as they used women, not that women should be used as that is just much too sexist and as I am a Leo I am not sexist according to my charts for this month of which charts are certainly better than the hospital charts of those women who had even just one single alcoholic drink a day, the type of alcohol of which wasn’t mentioned and therefore leads to a little confusion as the American cardiologists have some nifty studies that indicate that a glass of red wine a day can help deter heart disease which not only muddies the medical waters but in a way sort of pits the Americans against the British like a revolutionary war thing once again, a war in which my ancestors remained loyal to the King and so even though the British were painted as bad guys, who can fault a guy for simply being loyal and then up and trudge into the wilds of Canada to start a nation of brave, intelligent and handsome men who can play hockey and though that fact may seem like blatant favouritism it is just fact, though it’s one of my favourite facts which reminds me that if your favourite drink happens to have alcohol in it and you happen to be a woman and by that I mean a real woman and not someone who has become a woman because of certain surgical and hormonal procedures but a woman who was born with chromosomes that say XX on them then I would suggest you make your favourite drink a virgin chi chi or something similar and I don’t mean a drink concocted by Mr. Branson when he worked as a bartender in an air balloon or someplace equally odd but that it be a drink free of alcohol and full of good things like vegetables and fruit and yes even cherries even though evil marketers will try to combine that fruit with something unhealthy like cola or battery acid or Howard Stern who though apparently a man should have been born a woman and then he wouldn’t have been so sexist and could have participated in that 1.2 Million Women Study which by the way begs the question whatever happened to the men and why didn’t they try a study called a Million Men Study even though I suspect that they couldn’t find a million men in Britain who only drank one drink a day as they spend so much of their time at the pub, when they aren’t at the periodentists, probably discussing the reasons they lost the war against the colonies, but I imagine that if they did do a study involving moderate alcohol use in men that there would indeed be an increase is cancer which is also an astrological sign and one that I’m glad I don’t have because then I would have to go to bars and say that I’m a real cancer and that just doesn’t sound too appealing especially to …a Leo!!?.!??!!!!.

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